Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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