I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm just crazy horny about you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
