take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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