Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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