If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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