My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
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