I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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