I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
