Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
