There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
