im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
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A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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