Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
