nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
