My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
