I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
