Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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