It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
