people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
