I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
