Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
