just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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