Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
