My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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