then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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