So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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