never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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