you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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