I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
