Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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