you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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