She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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