dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
