I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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