your room smells of hookers.
And success
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Someone came in the potted fern
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
