Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How naked do you want me to be?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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