i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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