Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
