The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
