upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
