So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
