from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
