Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
