my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
