I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
