and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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