I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just want nice things and good sex
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
