sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
