Just fell off a train. Bad.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
