I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
