I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
