I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
