how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
