Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
only you would photoshop your dick
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
