I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
